Week 1: The Phillys are Born, and the WR1s are Dead
Here we goooo!! Welcome back, gentlemen. Another year, another clean slate, another round of false hopes and broken dreams waiting to happen. Week 1 is in the books, and for most of us, it was a hard-fought week played in the light. For others… let’s just say we might need to dim those lights and put on some sunglasses, because it was ugly.
And when I say ugly, I mean piss-poor. Specifically, from the guys we shelled out half our auction budgets on—the “elite” wide receivers. What a disgrace. Only two receivers drafted in the top 12 actually finished in the top 12 in Week 1: Puka Nacua and Garrett Wilson. And, of course, in true JNIC fashion, Mel left Wilson rotting on the bench like he was some practice squad scrub. Meanwhile, Tre Tucker, Ben Skowronek, Dyami Brown, Kayshon Boutte, Wan’Dale Robinson, Troy Franklin, Demario Douglas, and JuJu Smith-Schuster—all of them undrafted, unrostered, unbothered—put up more points than Ja’Marr Chase, Amon-Ra St. Brown, AJ Brown, and Nico Collins. Think about that. Ja’Marr Chase — the guy who went for a draft-high price of $66 is losing ground to Tre Tucker… which leads to the question: who the hell is Tre Tucker?!?
Here’s the problem: NFL offenses are running more three-WR sets than ever, and quarterbacks are playing it safe. Dump-offs, checkdowns, bubble screens. Fantasy football used to be a wide receiver’s paradise. Now it’s a minefield of 3-catch, 37-yard stat lines. Which begs the real question: why are we throwing Monopoly money at WR1s when their production is completely tied to whether their quarterback feels like targeting them that day? Take AJ Brown. If he got the kind of volume Puka or Nico see, he’d be the undisputed WR1 in fantasy. Hands down. He’s that elite. But none of that matters if Jalen Hurts decides that he’s both QB and RB, runs the Brotherly Shove ten times, and only attempts seven passes over 10 air yards all game. Sorry, Claude, but the “AJ ascension chart” isn’t going to look too hot with “Checkdown Charlie” at the helm.
In fact, let’s take a look at this little nugget. The chart to below highlights all 32 quarterbacks that played in week 1 and the correlation of their Time to Throw (in seconds) compared to their ADOT (average depth of target) or Air Yards.
Take a look at the bottom right corner of the image. You see Jalen Hurts as the only QB in that quadrant? By far, Hurts had the most time to throw in Week 1—almost four seconds per dropback, nearly half a second longer than anyone else in the league. And what did he do with that luxurious time in the pocket? He threw the shortest passes in the NFL— the absolute lowest average depth of target; behind Daniel Jones, Tua Turntheballover, and even Spencer Rattler! Slow and steady may win Super Bowls, but slow and steady also turns my guy Arthur Juan Brown into an avid reader. And that can’t bode well for Claude B. Craig and his season outlook.
The one thing Claude does have going for him? Derrick Henry. Despite fumbling away the game to Buffalo (in my humble opinion), Henry was the highest-scoring RB of the week. And here’s a random fun fact: Derrick Henry has been in the NFL for nine years, won multiple rushing titles, and has two 2,000-yard seasons. Sounds impressive, right? Except—he’s still over 500 yards short of his high school rushing total. NFL: 11,592 yards. High School: 12,124. That’s not a stat. That’s a Marvel origin story.
The Silence of the Trades
Another thing caught my attention this week: the eerie quiet before kickoff. For the first time in forever, there were no trades, no splashy waiver bids, no Hail Mary moves before the season opened. Not one. Usually, there’s at least one guy with ants in his pants—itching to shake up his roster, make a panic deal, or land the first “league winner” off waivers.
So what does it mean? Maybe it’s the wisdom of wily veterans who understand the marathon. Week 1 isn’t going to make or break anyone’s season… Or maybe it’s just fear. Plain, paralyzing fear of being the next Lance, forever branded by the Great Justin Jefferson Trade Debacle. That kind of trauma lingers, man. (My prediction: Lance won’t let JJ off his roster for the next 5 years. Even after he’s done as a K3, Miller will be drafting JJ for the remainder of the 2020’s.) But let’s be honest—trading is the lifeblood of fantasy football. It’s not just about fixing a roster hole; it injects adrenaline into a stagnant team. It brings storylines. It creates villains and heroes. It gives us content. And you guys deprived me of that in Week 1. As one of the seldom-traders in the league, I like being a witness to the madness! I expect the trade machine to fire up soon… because if nothing else, I need content!
The Philly Awards
Now, onto something new. As Commissioner, part of my role is to stir the pot, keep things fresh, and make sure this league’s 15-year history doesn’t just fade into the archives of Yahoo’s abyss. We’ve had too many legendary memes, ridiculous trades, and 0.02-point heartbreakers to just let them disappear. Which is why I’m introducing the Annual Philly Awards.
Yes, the Phillys - a nod to our two brethren who are staples in JNIC, but will forever rep The Iladelph. The Phillys will be our very own version of the Grammys, Emmys… and of course, The Dundies (shoutout to Michael Scott). A yearly awards ceremony honoring the best, worst, and most unforgettable moments of JNIC Fantasy Football.
Here are the first five categories I’ve come up with (along with Week 1 winners to give you an example):
Bench Warmer Award – Highest-scoring non-QB on someone’s bench. (as of week 1, the winner would be Will. Javonte Williams, 19.4 points. Enjoy your sadness.)
Match-Up Blues Award – Highest-scoring team in a loss. (as of week 1, the winner would be yours truly. 108.98 points. Thanks a lot, fantasy gods.)
Lucky Duck Award – Lowest-scoring team in a win. (as of week 1, the winner would be Mel with 93.48 points over Dunc. I guess that goat magic is real.)
Photo Finish Award – Narrowest margin of victory. (as of week 1, the winner would be Zayn with a 2.5-point win over Tone, 94.02–91.52. That’s a missed FG away from heartbreak.)
Blowout Award – Largest margin of victory. (Steve, destroying Kenny by 49.7 points, 116.72 to 67.02. That’s not just a win. That’s legit fucked up... lol)
The Phillys will be handed out every year at draft weekend—at dinner, maybe with some tequila in Tulum—and we’ll officially record them in the JNIC Hall of Records (more to come on this as the year progresses). But this is just what I’ve come up with thus far. What other categories should we introdue to the Philly Awards? The Fleece Award for best one-sided trade? The Meme King Award for best meme of the year? Best Waiver Wire Pickup? Comment below with your own ideas. Years from now, we’ll remember exactly who got lucky, who got robbed, and who had their season derailed by trading their RB1 for the Green Bay Defense.
And Now, A Word for Ser Kenneth
Speaking of Kenny … let us pour one out. Week 1 claimed its first Guillotine victim: Ser Kenneth, Seeker of Glory, of House Clairmont. He marched onto the battlefield with sword and shield, chest out, ready for war … and fell swiftly with a spear to the ribs. 67.02 points. A noble effort, sure I guess … but an effort that will be remembered in whispers, not songs.
For there are no songs of the knight who died on the opening charge. No statues built for the warrior whose shield cracked in his first battle. Ser Kenneth, your watch in the Guillotine is ended. You may still fight in the regular season, but in the Guillotine Tournament … you are the first to fall.
That’s Week 1, fellas. The WRs let us down, the trades were nonexistent, the Philly’s are born, and the Guillotine has already tasted blood. Welcome back. It’s going to be a hell of a season.
— Your Commissioner
