Week 4: Coyote Ugly
Some of you guys might not know Sheriff Grady Judd. If you don’t, then you’re missing out on America’s most unintentionally hilarious lawman. The man has 315,000 Instagram followers and drops one-liners like a Florida Dave Chappelle with a badge.
Last week he held a press conference about an undercover sting that busted a prostitution ring in Lakeland, Florida. And here’s the kicker: half the “women” turned out to be cross-dressing men charging $700–$1000 for a one-night rendezvous. For those that didn’t see the video, here you go:
Imagine expecting a Florida State cheerleader and waking up next to the third string right guard from the Florida State Prison Gators. Sheriff Judd, with the delivery of a seasoned comic, looked straight into the camera and said:
“Yeah. We call that Coyote Ugly.”
For the uninitiated, “Coyote Ugly” is a phrase describing a one-night stand so regretful you’d chew your own arm off just to escape quietly. Coyotes do this in traps. Fantasy owners do this after their WR1 gives them 3.2 points on a Monday night.
My own Coyote Ugly moment…
Look, we’ve all had our moments. Even your Commish. You all know the story. College. The Ques’ Oil Spill. Too much Patrón. One questionable decision later, I’m sneaking a girl out of the crib at 7am. I hit her with, “Yo, I gotta get to work” — mind you, I didn’t even have a job.
I thought I was in the clear until she walked out of my room and ran straight into my roommate. Tone. Sitting there eating a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t even smirk. He just looked up, deadpan, and said one word:
“Subpar.”
That word has haunted me for years. It was the original scarlet letter of our crew. And it perfectly describes the first month of wide receiver production in the JNIC.
The WRs we thought we were getting (a.k.a. Draft Night Dimes)
On draft night, our cheat sheets looked something like this. These were the prom queens we spent half our wallets on:
| WR | AUCTION PRICE |
|---|---|
| 1. Ja'Marr Chase | $66 |
| 2. CeeDee Lamb | $62 |
| 3. Justin Jefferson | $50 (K) |
| 4. Nico Collins | $25 (K) |
| 5. Malik Nabers | $56 |
| 6. Brian Thomas Jr. | $6 (K) |
| 7. Puka Nacua | $20 (K) |
| 8. Amon-Ra St. Brown | $62 |
| 9. Drake London | $59 |
| 10. AJ Brown | $50 |
| 11. Ladd McConkey | $8 (K) |
| 12. Tee Higgins | $30 |
| 13. Mike Evans | $32 |
| 14. Jaxon Smith-Njigba | $36 |
| 15. Tyreek Hill | $38 |
That’s 25–30% of your budget gone for one “can’t-miss” guy. We treated WR1s like blue-chip Apple stock.
The WRs we actually got (a.k.a. Morning After Regrets)
After four weeks, here are the top 15 WRs by points in the JNIC:
| RANK | WR |
|---|---|
| 1. | Puka Nacua |
| 2. | Amon-Ra St. Brown |
| 3. | Rome Odunze |
| 4. | Quentin Johnson |
| 5. | George Pickens |
| 6. | Garrett Wilson |
| 7. | Emeke Egbuka |
| 8. | Jaxon Smith-Njigba |
| 9. | Tre Tucker |
| 10. | Deebo Samuel |
| 11. | Courtland Sutton |
| 12. | Devante Adams |
| 13. | Keenan Allen |
| 14. | Michael Pittman |
| 15. | DK Metcalf |
Now let’s check where our supposed studs landed:
| RANK | WR |
|---|---|
| 16. | Justin Jefferson |
| 19. | Malik Nabers |
| 20. | Nico Collins |
| 21. | Ja'Marr Chase |
| 22. | Tyreek Hill |
| 23. | Drake London |
| 43. | CeeDee Lamb |
| 44. | Brian Thomas Jr. |
| 50. | AJ Brown |
| 52. | Mike Evans |
| 57. | Ladd McConkey |
| 59. | Tee Higgins |
This is hideous. Like “Subpar,” Cinnamon Toast Crunch hideous.
The excuses (a.k.a. our walk of shame)
Sure, there are legitimate caveats:
Injuries: Nabers and Tyreek out for the season, CeeDee’s ankle, Evans’ annual hamstring pull.
QB meltdowns: Chase/Higgins stuck with QB chaos, Jefferson handcuffed by Cousins’ injury.
Game script stupidity: Hurts didn’t complete a pass for two straight quarters. TWO. Claude might sue Jalen for emotional distress.
But then you’ve got guys like Ladd McConkey, who’s somehow third in targets on his own team. Or AJ Brown, who looks like he’s playing for Uber Eats instead of the Eagles. Claude — my guy — you’re 0-4 and saddled with Brian Thomas Jr. and AJ Brown. You’d literally be better off starting Kavontae Turpin or Elic Ayomanor. That’s not me joking. That’s the actual math.
The Bigger Picture: WRs are the new RBs?
This used to be the RB problem. Running backs were the fragile, high-variance, break-your-heart assets. Wide receivers were the steady kings. Now, it feels like the script flipped. WR volatility is suddenly worse than RB volatility.
Is this an anomaly? Maybe. Is it the start of a trend? Possibly. But the fact that guys we spent 25% of our budget on are getting outscored by Tre Tucker is enough to make anyone chew off their arm in disgust.
Commish’s Final Thought
Sheriff Grady would call this “Coyote Ugly.” We went home with Ja’Marr Chase, CeeDee, and AJ Brown thinking we hit the jackpot. Four weeks later, we’re waking up next to Quentin Johnston, Tre Tucker, and Courtland freaking Sutton.
This isn’t just bad luck. This is the kind of statistical betrayal that should come with a support group. At this rate, next year’s draft is going to look like a Bill Simmons fantasy column in 2008: “Never pay for WRs. Just throw $8 at Deebo and hope he’s still breathing by Week 6.”
So yes, in 2026, your Commish is instituting a new draft philosophy: “Fool me once, shame on the WRs. Fool me twice, I’m drafting four RBs and letting y’all fight over the lipstick-wearing coyotes.”
