Week 3: The Makeup Mirror Week
After Week 3, the excuses run out. The façade fades. The concealer smudges. We move past being the Week 1 optimists blaming “rust after a shortened preseason,” or the Week 2 apologists chalking it up to “game script.” No, brothers. Week 3 is the makeup mirror week.
You all know the mirror I’m talking about - that bright ass makeup mirror our wives use every night before going out. Husbands, you’ve lived this: It’s 3am. Your bladder is 40 years old now, so wake up to go take a piss, stumbling around the room like a running back on an outside zone run, trying to avoid waking your wife. It’s pitch black, but you’ve executed this play night after night, so you know the route like the back of your hand: a stealth, Saquon-esque leap over the pile of laundry on the floor, then you tiptoe around the dresser like you’re trying not to disarm the alarm system, carefully making sure you don’t trip over the chord and knock over the iPhone charger. Finally, you’ve made it. You’re home free. Then you push open the bathroom door and — BOOM. That makeup mirror floods the room with the light of a thousand suns. It’s like God himself dropped a ring light on your retina. Your eyes are fried. You’re fumbling to turn the light off. But by now, your wife is awake, and suddenly the very mirror you hate is shining a light so bright that it lights up the entire room … and exposes the truth - you’re butt ass naked with a pair of socks on.
And that, my friends, is Week 3 of the fantasy football season. The makeup mirror week. The lies are gone. The excuses are dead. That WR2 you’ve been defending? He’s not “about to break out.” That RB1 you swore just needed the “right game flow”? Nope. He’s a bum. The makeup mirror exposed you.
And let’s be honest: you’ve peeked into that mirror yourself. Don’t act like you haven’t. Sure, you complain about it, but when it’s time to edge up your beard or clip those rogue nose hairs that keep growing back, there you are, leaning into that ring light. And before you know it, you’re recognizing imperfections you didn’t see before. You see, the makeup mirror doesn’t just expose the blemishes — it exposes you.
And this past Sunday afternoon, I looked into Charis’ makeup mirror and all I saw staring back at me was Marvin Harrison Jr.
Last year, I blamed Kyler Murray. Why’s he always scrambling? Why isn’t he targeting his first round receiver? Was Marvy Marv secretly smashing Kyler’s girl? Whatever it was, it was Kyler’s fault. But this year? Nah. I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I drafted him … again — for $50 — knowing damn well what he did to me last year. It’s like doubling back to the ex who already ruined your credit score and likes to go to the club every weekend… I knew it was toxic, and I did it anyway.
It’s funny, because I remember the moment vividly. The draft board was thinning, and I still needed a WR2. Marvin popped up, and I thought to myself, “Nobody’s gonna want him past $20. I’ll scoop him cheap and be able to shift my focus to start working on my bench.” Just when I thought I was going to run off with him for $22, out of nowhere, Lance jumps into the bidding war: “Twenty-five dollas!” … I panicked. I went dollar-for-dollar with him like it was my last bet in a dicey game of three-card Monte. One minute later, my draft board was on fire, my logic was in ashes, and the fantasy gods were somewhere chuckling, remembering how I pulled that dirty mackin’ Dak Prescott move on Claude last year.
When the timer hit zero, Yahoo placed MHJ in my wide receiver slot. I was stone-faced. Then, Lance confidently leaned into his Zoom camera and said, “Yo Z, he's gonna ball for you.” And in that exact moment, I knew I was cooked. The rest of my draft was piss poor. My bench is ass. And frankly, MHJ is officially in the “bust” category.
And now, three weeks into the season, and I’m nearing the bottom of the standings, staring at the wreckage, and wondering how I allowed that to happen to me. I never let ego and pride get in the way of my draft strategy. I may have to take one of Tone’s 17 nicknames and apply it to my fantasy team name for this season: “Two Times.” Drafted MHJ - two times.
And now that I think about it, this is yet another reason why I desperately want to draft live and in-person. I feed off the energy. It’s just like my work: I perform so much better in an in-person presentation than I do in a virtual setting. I’ve gotta be able to read the people. I feed off the crowd. I respond to the silent emotions. I read the faces! You can’t do that shit on a laptop!
It’s like the 2020 NBA Playoffs in the bubble. Who remembers T.J. Warren? Do most of y’all even recognize the name? The basketball guys know who I’m talking about. Buddy is playing in the G league for the Westchester Knicks right now, and in his 4-year stint in the NBA, he averaged 14 points per game. But back in the summer of 2020, when he wasn’t playing in front of a crowd - without the heckling, the boos, the pressure of a rabid fanbase - bro was dropping 30 a game like it was nothing and even scored a career high 53 points in one of those games. That temporary stint in front of a crowd of zero created an amorphous legend: “Bubble TJ.”
That’s what this season is starting to feel like. We drafted in the bubble - and man, the T.J. Warrens of our fantasy league took full advantage. I mean, look at the top of the standings. You see guys like Steve, Sherv, Mel … all 3 with the most amount of Booty Bowl Championships - at the top of the ranks. I think I’m gonna start calling Haynes, “Bubble Steve.” It’s weird seeing him so high up in the standings. Kudos to him for taking charge of the moment. But my god, I do not recognize this world. And I’ve gotta get the hell out of it!
Week 4 Preview
Since I’m late dropping this week’s review and we’ve all moved past the pain and joy of Week 3, let’s flip it forward. I’ve got a new game called “Are We Sure?” — where we second-guess everything we thought we knew heading into Week 4.
Marquee Matchup of the Week
Steve (1) vs Dunc (3).
Are we sure we got the pre-draft rankings right? Chase was #1 on everyone’s cheat sheet, followed by guys like CeeDee, Saquon, Bijan, and Justin Jefferson… but did Dunc lowkey keep the #1 fantasy player for 2025 in Jonathan Taylor? I feel like we all disregarded him in that top tier of RBs after what was a subpar 2023 season. Dunc stuck with his guy in 2024, and nobody was phased. I mean, he was aight, but he wasn’t ‘that guy.’ Well, it’s looking like buddy has come back to his prime form and is running wild in Indy. He’s currently the highest scoring non-QB in the league and is showing no signs of slowing down. And he’s got Dunc in a position to take down the #1 team in Bubble Steve’s Cloudy N’ ACHANE of Showers. This is definitely the matchup that I’ll have my eyes on.
Fairly Watchables:
CJ (10) vs Tone (12)
Are we sure this isn’t the actual matchup of the week? … Why is this matchup at the top of my fairly watchables list you might ask. Well, while these two are right with me at the bottom of the barrel, it’s definitely a Loser-Leaves-Town matchup. This is the only game between two 0-3 teams. One owner will catch a glimpse of hope after this week. The other will be 0-4, a record we’ve seldom seen to start the season. Ironically, it’s also a matchup between two of the four men that sit atop Mount Rushmore. This matchup is about pride. It’s about ego. It’s about fallen legends getting back and showing who’s still got it.
Zayn (2) vs Lance (6)
Are we sure Lance’s team is legit? Look - he’s 2-1. I would give my right arm to be 2-1 right now. But I’m looking at Lance’s team, and I just can’t see a positive outlook looking towards the next few weeks. He’s got Dak, without CeeDee. He’s got Justin Jefferson, with the corpse of Carson Wentz as his quarterback. I legit didn’t even know Carson Wentz was still in the league til this past Sunday. He’s got Alvin Kamara, who was Will’s shining RB in his championship run … 8 years ago! And look, maybe he’s still got some fuel in the tank, but the gas light is on, and I’m not sure he’s making it to the end of the season with Spencer Rattler behind the wheel. He’s damn near facing 9 in the box on every carry. Add Chuba Hubbard and Keon Coleman to the mix, and you’re looking at what I predict to be an 80-point average for the next couple of weeks. We’ll see, though. Meanwhile, on the other side, Zayn’s got Justin “MVP” Herbert, Rome Odunze, who I think did some voodoo magic and took the soul of Marvin Harrison Jr. at the NFL Draft last year, and Saquon Barkley, who’s bound to hit his stride any day now. Add to that that Zayn doesn’t have to worry about Ken Walker splitting carries this week with Charbonnet likely out, and it’s looking like a tough matchup for Mr. Miller.
Kenny (9) vs Zach (11)
Are we sure Kenny doesn’t have the worst team in the league this year? I know. I know. Who am I to be talking about Kenny’s squad while I’m sitting at 0-3? And yes, this is yet another matchup of two crabs trying to pull each other down. But I honestly think Kenny has the worst team in the league this year, and I intend to prove it this weekend. Geno, Chase Brown, Tyron Henderson, Christian Kirk, Khalil Shakir. Kenny’s starting lineup looks like a Star-Ledger All-County 2nd team roster. The only reason I’m putting this in my “fairly watchable” category is because I know there are a few people hoping I lose and fall flat on my face. Rightfully so, bitches.
Barely Watchables:
Dre (7) vs Will (8)
Are we sure about anything with this matchup? I only put this in my barely watchable category because I can’t see any outlook between these two negroes. The entire matchup is sitting with a 0.00 to 0.00 prediction because both of their entire rosters are empty! I’m looking at a bench of 16 players on each side. I don’t even feel like deciphering who they’re going to start to make a prediction. For the love of God! I’m moving on.
Oh, but before I do - Sorry Dreski, but you’ve been hit with the Guillotine for Week 3. That 66.12 showing put you on the chopping block. Ok, now I’m moving on.
Sherv (4) vs Mel (5)
Are we sure these two aren’t the sleaziest cats in the league? I really don’t know who I want to lose more between these two. Yes, they’re our friends and I love them both dearly. But when it comes to this fantasy league of ours, there’s no one I hate seeing pop up on my caller ID more than these two slime buckets. Both have called me this season with the old fantasy colloquial phrase “Let me help you out.” After 15 years, you already know you’re about to get hit with the most lopsided trade offer of all time. I swear these two have treated me these last 3 weeks like I was prey. Like an gullible freshman at Hampton falling for the chicanery. Mel called me with every trick in his old bag of swindles. Tried to sweet talk me at first: “How’s Josh and the family? I see he’s crawling up the stairs now.” When that didn’t work, he pivoted to his next move: “Look, I don’t wanna see you down like this. Let me help you.” After realizing I wasn’t gonna budge, he had enough and called me yesterday morning with the “look, I’m all you got!” … I swear I felt like a battered woman trying to get swooned by her wife-beater-wearing boyfriend. And Sherv - well we all know Sherv’s trade deals - “Let me get Malik Nabers and Jahmir Gibbs and I’ll let you get your boy Brandon Aubrey back. I’m giving you a keeper!” Fuck the both of you’s. I hope you tie.
Anyways, gentlemen. It’s another week to feel lucky. And I wish nothing but the worst luck to each of you.
Truly yours,
Commish
